Nikki Glaser’s 5 best jokes at the Golden Globes

Peter Howell

Movie Critic

Comedian Nikki Glaser rocked the house at the Golden Globes with her second stint as host.

Here are her five best jokes at the event, extended riffs about actors present:

To George Clooney: “George Clooney is nominated for the movie ‘Jay Kelly’ tonight, where he plays George Clooney. You were so good, right, George? You're amazing. I'm such a fan. I shouldn't be allowed to talk to you right now. I've always wanted to ask you this question, and I know this is unprofessional, but I might not get a chance to do it again. So here goes: My Nespresso has been coming out kind of watery, and I'm wondering, is it like a pod issue or you think it might be the filter? Could you troubleshoot it for me later? Thank you so much.

Grazie, signore.”

To Leonardo DiCaprio: “How good was Leo in ‘One Battle’? I mean, it's insane. So good.

So vaping good. What a career you've had. I mean, countless iconic performances. You've worked with every great director. You've won three Golden Globes, an Oscar, and the most impressive thing is that you were able to accomplish all of that before your girlfriend turned 30. I mean, it's just insane. Leo, I'm sorry I made that joke.

It's cheap. You know what? I tried not to, but, like, we don't know anything else about you, man. Like, there's nothing else. Like, open up. I'm serious. I looked, I searched. The most in-depth interview you've ever given was in Teen Beat magazine in 1991. Is your favorite food still pasta, pasta and more pasta? Look it up. That's real Leo's one battle.”

To Sean Penn: “Colonel Lockjaw himself — hi Sean! You’re the best. One of my favorite characters of all time.

I love you, Sean. You're such an original. You know, everyone in this town is obsessed with looking younger.

Meanwhile, Sean Penn is like, what if I slowly morph into a sexy leather handbag? And I feel like that's … it’s hot, it’s good. Sean, I love you. Not only such an amazing actor, but you're such a devoted humanitarian. I mean, I feel like a lot of actors talk the talk, but Sean Penn will actually go to the places in the world that need help the most, and he will do cocaine there. And I feel like we don't celebrate that. And Sean, I did get permission to tell that joke from your two best friends, Charlie Sheen and El Chapo. So they say hi. Blame it on that.”

To Ariana Grande and Kevin Hart: “Ariana, I would listen to you sing the phone book. Grab the one Kevin Hart's sitting on tonight. I'm sorry, Kevin, I can't stop. It's a problem. You're the best.”

To all the actors present: “I'm your host, but I'm honestly such a massive fan. Your work this year was innovative. It felt fearless, inspiring, and in some cases, downright Zootopian. And so just please keep doing what you're doing, okay? Guillermo del Toro, keep making weird monster sex movies. And James Cameron, keep making weird monster sex movies. Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos, keep making wonderfully bizarre movies together. And go harder: I want Emma Stone playing a piece of toast with epilepsy. You would nail it.”